The Fantastic 45

 I exercised and am hopefully eating sustainably. That's good. I was feeling ok, though not sleeping well enough. But then our landscaper started talking about how awful it is when kids leave and it is making me teary and depressed all over again. the kids have been the best part of my life, bar none. Not always easy, but easily the best thing I've ever done and had the privilege of being a part of. I am doing everything I can to enjoy all the time I have with them and try to enjoy the little moments. It is SO so much easier than it was when they were little. I only seem to be able to enjoy these things when I can see the end in sight. It was the same with Will's infanthood. With Corinne I would despair at the midnight feedings. With Will, I knew it was my last chance to do that and I'd never have to do it again so I was able to enjoy the closeness and snuggling. Now I'm doing everything I can to soak in the kids while I have them. It's not enough time. I am ter...

I am journaling my emotions. Yay for me. I was just sitting in the kitchen while my daughter was watching a show and she was playing with a fidget device that was making a noise that I realized was slowly driving me batty. Once I realized what the sound was, I couldn't unhear it and I couldn't get rid of the tension in my gut. I was supposed to be relaxing while doing a puzzle, but I was getting more and more worked up. So I have retreated to the bedroom. I'm hoping that the more time I spend not drinking and eating relatively healthy and exercising the more these things won't bother me. Plus journaling. I hope so.  I did hike yesterday. And play with kids.

I don't want to count days. This has to be sustainable for the rest of my life. Otherwise, it won't work. I also have to get back to eating breakfast, even though I'm not hungry in the morning. I did today and I feel annoyingly full now. I'm going for a hike while W has run club, so hopefully it won't be too big a problem. If I were going running this would not be so great. I really want to run and I need to eat breakfast. I don't know how to reconcile these things. Maybe it means going for a run later in the morning. Tomorrow is run day. I guess I'll figure that out then.  I woke up vaguely more hopeful today. I guess that's from the run. A little bit of hope is good.

 Ok, the last time I published a post on this blog was literally exactly two years ago today. Something about this time of year must get to me. So what has happened the last two years? Well, lifewise, just life. Nothing exciting, nothing earth shattering. Just life. Mental healthwise? Bad. An endless circling the drain depression that has kept me at the same weight and probably about the same fitness level for the past two years. My default is now lying in bed when no one else is in the house. I am bed rotting. I am a fat, depressed, bed-rotting 46 year old who is having trouble seeing the point of anything. Nothing feels worth the effort. I don't want to do anything. And I am having trouble getting up the energy (mental or otherwise) to get healthy because what's the point? I don't want to extend this pain any longer than I have to. I think this is what those in the know call suicidal ideation. I'm not actually suicidal. I just don't see the point in living and jus...

 Ok, Nope. I didn't manage to resist the amazing desserts last night. I ate them. And some Doritos. And had a beer. None of which was low carb. 

 Well, maybe because I said I was cruising yesterday, but today is harder. I had too much wine last night (probably too high carb) and felt kind of rotten today. Then I had to run a Valentine's Day party for 52 5th graders (not my favorite activity). On top of that, I have a sick kid at home, and my husband wanted to share one of our favorite beers and some dessert tonight, so this was supposed to be a planned carb indulgence. However, with the sick kid and just general tired Tuesday night-ness (and the fact that I'd just as soon skip Valentine's Day anyway), we decided to postpone our mini date night to this weekend. So I had a keto-friendly lunch and dinner and put the beer and the dessert away for a few days. But oh my god. I know those desserts are sitting in the freezer and I want them so badly. Something about just knowing that they are there has me on edge. I could just sneak them and go out and get new ones for when we want them, and no one would know! But where has...