Day, Um...?

 Ok, the last time I published a post on this blog was literally exactly two years ago today. Something about this time of year must get to me.

So what has happened the last two years? Well, lifewise, just life. Nothing exciting, nothing earth shattering. Just life.

Mental healthwise? Bad. An endless circling the drain depression that has kept me at the same weight and probably about the same fitness level for the past two years. My default is now lying in bed when no one else is in the house. I am bed rotting. I am a fat, depressed, bed-rotting 46 year old who is having trouble seeing the point of anything. Nothing feels worth the effort. I don't want to do anything. And I am having trouble getting up the energy (mental or otherwise) to get healthy because what's the point? I don't want to extend this pain any longer than I have to. I think this is what those in the know call suicidal ideation. I'm not actually suicidal. I just don't see the point in living and just see despair on the horizon stretching into forever. 

I'm functionally committing slow suicide. 

I need something big. Something that will jolt me back to life. I'm going to run. Running has always been fucking impossible for me. So has losing weight. But if I can conquer running, maybe I can save myself. I have to try. For my family, if not for myself. 

Day 1 C25K done. It sucked, but it's done. 

Also, I hate the gym. 

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