Ok, the last time I published a post on this blog was literally exactly two years ago today. Something about this time of year must get to me. So what has happened the last two years? Well, lifewise, just life. Nothing exciting, nothing earth shattering. Just life. Mental healthwise? Bad. An endless circling the drain depression that has kept me at the same weight and probably about the same fitness level for the past two years. My default is now lying in bed when no one else is in the house. I am bed rotting. I am a fat, depressed, bed-rotting 46 year old who is having trouble seeing the point of anything. Nothing feels worth the effort. I don't want to do anything. And I am having trouble getting up the energy (mental or otherwise) to get healthy because what's the point? I don't want to extend this pain any longer than I have to. I think this is what those in the know call suicidal ideation. I'm not actually suicidal. I just don't see the point in living and jus...
I exercised and am hopefully eating sustainably. That's good. I was feeling ok, though not sleeping well enough. But then our landscaper started talking about how awful it is when kids leave and it is making me teary and depressed all over again. the kids have been the best part of my life, bar none. Not always easy, but easily the best thing I've ever done and had the privilege of being a part of. I am doing everything I can to enjoy all the time I have with them and try to enjoy the little moments. It is SO so much easier than it was when they were little. I only seem to be able to enjoy these things when I can see the end in sight. It was the same with Will's infanthood. With Corinne I would despair at the midnight feedings. With Will, I knew it was my last chance to do that and I'd never have to do it again so I was able to enjoy the closeness and snuggling. Now I'm doing everything I can to soak in the kids while I have them. It's not enough time. I am ter...
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