Sucks

 I exercised and am hopefully eating sustainably. That's good. I was feeling ok, though not sleeping well enough.

But then our landscaper started talking about how awful it is when kids leave and it is making me teary and depressed all over again. the kids have been the best part of my life, bar none. Not always easy, but easily the best thing I've ever done and had the privilege of being a part of. I am doing everything I can to enjoy all the time I have with them and try to enjoy the little moments. It is SO so much easier than it was when they were little. I only seem to be able to enjoy these things when I can see the end in sight. It was the same with Will's infanthood. With Corinne I would despair at the midnight feedings. With Will, I knew it was my last chance to do that and I'd never have to do it again so I was able to enjoy the closeness and snuggling.

Now I'm doing everything I can to soak in the kids while I have them. It's not enough time. I am terrified of losing them. I pray, atheism aside, that I am the kind of mom they need and want to have a relationship with long term and that relationship is one that is close and not just the occasional phone call or visit that feels like an obligation. I am terrified of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me and feeling alone and empty again. 

All I ever wanted was to be a mom, to have kids to do fun things with and who would love me unconditionally. That must have come from some kind of deep seated not feeling loved as a kid. I certainly was overlooked a lot as the middle child and I certainly was overlooked socially my entire life. Continuing to today. So I could build my own family and my own people to love me in the kids. And losing that feels like a death coming and knowing I can't stop it. I hate it.

I'm supposed to come to some kind of realization here, I think. Or a catharsis. I haven't. But I do know I need to prepare myself mentally for them leaving. Get happier, get fitter, get ok with myself, figure out what my next chapter will look like. For them, of course, so they aren't worrying that I just pine after them, but also for me. Because I'm already depressed most of the time. What will happen when the thing happens that the landscaper this morning said was "really depressing"? And she seems like a happy person who could handle it well if anyone could. I don't think I'm strong enough.

Not yet. I'm not strong enough yet. It's time to build resilient Margaret, who can take what life throws at her, handle the normal adjustments that come with this part of life, and be the mom, wife, grandmother, self, etc. everyone needs. Me included.

What will the next chapter look like? I hope it looks like doing races. I hope it looks like having land with a black cat rescue. I hope it looks like being willing to be flexible in where I live so that I can be near kids. I hope it still means family and love and togetherness. Because families are meant to be together. They just are.