The Fantastic 45

 I was doing 1200 calories. I think that's too low. I had zero energy to do anything yesterday and actually felt awful and got a migraine. I still managed to do day 3 of C25K, but it was brutal. I'm hoping eating more will help that, given that I'm exercising almost every day. I'm trying more like 1400 now. Hopefully it will help and give me more energy and still allow me to lose weight. I'm no impatient. I don't want to wait.  I also really need to be patient about sleeping. I'm not sleeping well enough right now. Last night I spent two hours stressing about everything at 3 a.m. Kids' social lives, college costs, where they'll get into college, how we'll pay, etc. It would have been much better to be sleeping instead. I'm now almost two weeks after I last had something to drink last Saturday (and before that it had been a month). I want to go 6 whole months here and see how I do, exercise-wise, diet-wise, mood-wise, sleep-wise, etc. I'm ...

 I exercised and am hopefully eating sustainably. That's good. I was feeling ok, though not sleeping well enough. But then our landscaper started talking about how awful it is when kids leave and it is making me teary and depressed all over again. the kids have been the best part of my life, bar none. Not always easy, but easily the best thing I've ever done and had the privilege of being a part of. I am doing everything I can to enjoy all the time I have with them and try to enjoy the little moments. It is SO so much easier than it was when they were little. I only seem to be able to enjoy these things when I can see the end in sight. It was the same with Will's infanthood. With Corinne I would despair at the midnight feedings. With Will, I knew it was my last chance to do that and I'd never have to do it again so I was able to enjoy the closeness and snuggling. Now I'm doing everything I can to soak in the kids while I have them. It's not enough time. I am ter...

I am journaling my emotions. Yay for me. I was just sitting in the kitchen while my daughter was watching a show and she was playing with a fidget device that was making a noise that I realized was slowly driving me batty. Once I realized what the sound was, I couldn't unhear it and I couldn't get rid of the tension in my gut. I was supposed to be relaxing while doing a puzzle, but I was getting more and more worked up. So I have retreated to the bedroom. I'm hoping that the more time I spend not drinking and eating relatively healthy and exercising the more these things won't bother me. Plus journaling. I hope so.  I did hike yesterday. And play with kids.

I don't want to count days. This has to be sustainable for the rest of my life. Otherwise, it won't work. I also have to get back to eating breakfast, even though I'm not hungry in the morning. I did today and I feel annoyingly full now. I'm going for a hike while W has run club, so hopefully it won't be too big a problem. If I were going running this would not be so great. I really want to run and I need to eat breakfast. I don't know how to reconcile these things. Maybe it means going for a run later in the morning. Tomorrow is run day. I guess I'll figure that out then.  I woke up vaguely more hopeful today. I guess that's from the run. A little bit of hope is good.

 Ok, the last time I published a post on this blog was literally exactly two years ago today. Something about this time of year must get to me. So what has happened the last two years? Well, lifewise, just life. Nothing exciting, nothing earth shattering. Just life. Mental healthwise? Bad. An endless circling the drain depression that has kept me at the same weight and probably about the same fitness level for the past two years. My default is now lying in bed when no one else is in the house. I am bed rotting. I am a fat, depressed, bed-rotting 46 year old who is having trouble seeing the point of anything. Nothing feels worth the effort. I don't want to do anything. And I am having trouble getting up the energy (mental or otherwise) to get healthy because what's the point? I don't want to extend this pain any longer than I have to. I think this is what those in the know call suicidal ideation. I'm not actually suicidal. I just don't see the point in living and jus...

 Ok, Nope. I didn't manage to resist the amazing desserts last night. I ate them. And some Doritos. And had a beer. None of which was low carb.